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Badass Travel Advice for Visiting Unstable Countries

The Badass Travel Advice Series: Vol. 2.

I gleaned these tips from a conversation I had with a guy in Taipei. I’m not at liberty to disclose any other information about him except that he has traveled extensively in politically unstable countries. Here is some of the travel advice he gave me:

  • Choose your hotel room wisely. When in a dangerous country where bombs are a real threat, choose non-western nondescript hotels and request a room between the 3rd and 7th floors on the backside of the building. The less international the hotel is, the less likely it is to be targeted for an attack. If it is attacked, then a room between the 3rd and 7th floors puts you at a safe distance from a ground level car bomb or a rooftop air raid. Furthermore the backside of the building is sheltered from Molotov cocktails that could be hurled from the street.
  • If your plane is going down, force crap your pants. Why add humiliation to terror, you ask? To protect your internal organs. If you manage to survive the initial impact of a plane crash, you increase your chances of ultimate survival by reducing your risk of internal bleeding. And you reduce your risk of internal bleeding by freeing up your bladder and intestines, thereby creating more soft space for your vital organs to flop around safely.
  • Never eat the watermelon. Watermelon is sold by weight, so in order to increase the weight of the fruit, some vendors will inject water with a syringe into the flesh of the fruit. And that water source may or may not be contaminated. No watermelon is worth the risk of a gut-busting parasite.
  • Never trust a beautiful woman, especially if she approaches you first. Don’t kid yourself, she’s not that into you. Chances are she’s a spy, a terrorist, or a con-artist looking to marry you for your passport.
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